The Batman

      ( Wow, I finally got an idea for this blog, and I'll get to it in a minute.  First of all, I just read over the first entry.  It isn't that good, but I didn't mind reading it, so I know it isn't absolutely horrendous.  Maybe someone else will enjoy it, maybe not. )

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     In talking about comic books, the character that comes to mind is 'The Batman'.
     He is one of the only plausible superheros because, as you know, he has no superpowers.
     It is actually possible that a rich guy could wear a costume and fight crime.  It is believable.
     Gotham City is fictional and made-up, so there goes that.  We all assume it is a part of New York City somehow, though, just like Metropolis, though that city doesn't make much sense to me.  Why not just call it 'New York City' for chrissakes, I don't know.

     Anyhow, Batman first appeared in 1939.  The first question is, "How old is Batman at this time?"  I don't know...maybe 25?  That would give him some time to get organized.

     Bruce Wayne must have had to attend school.  Did he ever go to college?  Since Bruce is really smart, he would have to have had any number of teachers.  Or did he just read a lot?

     I would assume Bruce went to college, especially since he would have to know a lot about business, crime fighting, detective work, logic, philosophy, mathematics, engineering, etc.
     Bruce must have worked very hard on his studies all the time growing up since his parents died.  That would make sense.  Not having much to do, maybe he did a lot of homework.

     Alfred The Butler provided Bruce with an education, and companionship.  Okay, that is believable.

     At some point, Bruce goes to The Far East and becomes a martial arts master.  Okay, I am fine with that.  It is still very possible.

     Bruce has the resources to fill The Batcave with computers and high-tech gadgets, and no one noticed.  That is a little hard to believe.  Who does the gardening and maintenance on Wayne Manor?  Is it possible that Batman drives into the Batcave and there is a big circular platform to turn the car around?  Who installed that?  Or is it just better that there is enough room in the cave so that he can turn the car around in the cave.  For believability, I would go with that.

     No one ever finds out where the Batcave entrance is.  Hmmm....that is a thinker.

     Uh...with traffic jams in NYC or Gotham City...uh...does Batman ever get stuck in traffic?  It would seem he would.

     Also, and this applies to all superheros, what happens on a hot day in New York?  How in hell could they even stand having a mask on in 101 degree weather?  Even at room temperature, a mask can cause excessive perspiration.  Just go to a comic book convention.  Those people wearing costumes sweat up a storm.

     Robin.  A grown man with a boy.  Hmmm, that is a little disturbing.  Then, Batman takes the boy into dangerous crime fighting situations, and all Robin has is training in circus acrobatics.  Hmmmm,...I don't know.

     Bullets.  One would think some criminals would get at least a couple of shots into Batman.

     Batman's cape.  One would think that in all the years Batman has been involved in hand to hand combat that somebody would grab onto his cape and pull him down with it.  Then, they would wrap Batman up in his own cape while he was on the ground, and the thugs would jump up and down on him, and break all his ribs.  That is what would happen in real life, I think.

     Batman's costume and gear.  He would be slowed down by this stuff, no matter what.  Have you ever tried to wear gloves for longer than a half hour at a time?  It gets annoying, and your hands get uncomfortable.

     Villains.  Batman has a lot of enemies, who all have lots of people working and fighting for them.  Okay, lots of organized crime that the cops can never put an end to.  Hmmmm....these villains get to run around free for years....hmmmm....they never get tied up in court for too long when they do get caught....hmmmmm.

     Batgirl:  She gets a period once a month.  This must affect her crime fighting once in a while.

     So, how long can Batman's career last?  So, he started in 1939, and by 1959, he would be forty-five years old.  That is getting a little old.  Reflexes go down a little.  His joints might not work as good, especially with all the years of turmoil, and injuries.

     No matter what the cops and Batman does, crime continues anyhow.  There are a lot of criminals out there, it would seem.

     The Batmobile:  It never breaks down.  He would have to have a good mechanic for maintenance of all his vehicles.  Things rust you know.

     The BatBathroom:  This is never shown.  To maintain his muscle mass, Batman would have to eat a lot.  Therefore, he would have to use the batbathroom a lot.  Who cleans that bathroom?  Alfred?
     What if Batman just has to go?  There would have to be some times when Batman is staking out a crime, and on a roof for hours that he would have to take a dump or a piss.  Does Batman carry Bat Tissue on him to wipe himself in the case of an emergency?  Maybe he has some wet wipes in his utility belt.

     Chemistry.  Batman is supposed to be pretty good at chemistry.  Man, he must have worked hard in school, with no time for dating.

     Bruce Wayne's virginity.  When did he lose it?  If Batman doesn't get laid hardly at all, one would assume that he would masturbate at least once in a while.

     Swinging on a rope in Gotham City.  The rope is always held in place, and never slips.  Batman never slams into the side of a building on accident.  Hmmmm....even falling onto hard concrete from thirty feet up would hurt a lot.

     Sleep.  Does Batman get enough rest?  If he doesn't, his reflexes wouldn't be as good.

     Snow.  It snows in New York.  This is never shown in the comics.

     So, Batman would have to exist in an Alternate Universe to this one.  He could never be real in this universe.  He wouldn't survive.  Somebody would kill him, or shoot him in the face, or something.

     Okay, then there is The Superman problem.  Can Batman and Superman exist in the same universe?  Traditionally, they are friends.  Anyhow, it would seem that in one day, Superman could capture all of Batman's enemies.  Superman could just go to Gotham City, and clean house.  No problem.  Using his x-ray vision, he could see where the criminals are.
     "Oh, there is The Joker in a warehouse," Superman would say.  I'll just fly in there and grab him."

     Superman, having unlimited powers, abilities, and energy could take care of a lot of problems in the world.  He could get food to people in Africa, but this never occurs to Superman.  What kind of heartless bastard is he?
     Also, Superman isn't really as smart as Batman.  Superman didn't seem to study as much in school.  He was busy being Superboy, and the comics never show him doing his homework much.  It is hard to imagine Clark Kent with a Master's Degree in journalism.  He isn't even a millionaire.  Bruce is a billionaire.  Hmmmm.  One would think Batman would loan Superman some money once in a while.  Maybe he does, who knows?

     Wonder Woman would have to get fuel for her invisible plane.  Where does she fuel up?  And what the hell does she do on heavy flow days?

     Okay, back to The Batman, since he is more plausible....um, yeah, it would look like Batman would sustain a lot of injuries.  Bruce Wayne would have to see the doctor once in a while.  Alfred is not a surgeon.

     When Batman is in the city fighting crime, he has to leave his Batmobile parked somewhere.  You would think one of the bad guys would mess with his car.  It would be easy to slash the tires, or to put a bomb underneath the car.
     Batman is considered a vigilante, and a parking meter maid would see his car and report it to the cops.  The Batmobile would get towed, and he would have to get it out.  Also, they could put a boot on the wheel, and that would ruin Batman's day.
     Yeah, what if the Batmobile got impounded?

     Also, how many adventures could Batman actually have in a twenty year crime fighting career?  I don't know.  The more adventures he has, the more risk of injury he would have.  Chances are, that things would go wrong at some point.

     The fact that Batman would survive at all is amazing.  I think a guy in a bat suit would eventually get himself killed.

     Robin doesn't wear armor.  He would be easy target practice.  One shot in the head would take him out.

     Batgirl couldn't possibly punch all that hard to knock a guy out.  Considering that she kicks a lot while wearing boots, you would think a thug would grab her leg, or she might slip and fall.  One would think that if Batgirl got captured, that she would be raped by the criminals.  It doesn't look good for Batgirl.

     With all this kept in mind, even in an alternate universe, there would be problems.  Then it all just becomes a fantasy.  Could Batman even exist?  Would he want to if he did?

     It is just hard to imagine Batman being able to run fast for a long time in that costume of his.  Maybe he has air conditioning inside his suit.  Who knows?

     Does the Batmobile have snacks in case Batman gets hungry?  That is what I want to know.

     Also, another thing never addressed in comics is when men get involved in violent fights, sometimes they s*** their pants.  Ask anybody who has been in a lot of fights.  Somebody told me this.

     Otherwise, Batman is a pretty cool character.

     Just for the record, Adam West is still one of the best who ever played Batman.  He did a good job at personifying the character, and brought him to life.  The third series kind of sucked, though.  No wonder it got canceled.  It seemed like the producers stopped caring.  They didn't put as much effort into the show anymore.
     A little known fact is there was almost going to be a fourth season.  Some guy wanted to pick up Batman for his network, but by then, they had already broken down the set.  Bummer.